Friday, October 06, 2006
THE 'Hole' in the Path.

it all started on 8th february 2003 when the nail of my baby finger on my right hand broke.
that was when he first took my hand in his just to see if my little finger was fine.
it was sweet.
that was also when he first tickled my heart.

it was followed by the usual sweet sms-es and long talks over the phone.
i fell right into the 'hole' in my path.
(seasons remember the hole? in fact it was because of him that it was invented.)
i put my heart out in the open and confessed my feelings.
rejected but relieved i laid it all out.
was not expecting much at that time as i was fully aware of the kind of person he is and his lifestyle.
i just wanted him to know.
now that he knows, what's next?

now looking back.
i see him in my path every now and then.
he was somehow always there.
whenever i felt like it, i'll just pick up the phone and dial his number.
be it when i'm bored, feeling cuckoo, heartbroken or just needed to talk.
and he did the same.

he'll come and stay for awhile and then he'll go.
then life's back to normal.
months later, he enters again but won't stay for long.
it just repeats itself every few months for the past few years.
everytime we got in touch, i feel the sparks but i don't know if he feels the same.

on 4th february 2006, he told me...
"actually ar... i also liked you then... in fact i've always liked you and i still do."
"a lot of people have been asking me why i didn't give you a chance and i couldn't answer it."
"i think if we had given it a shot, it would have worked out. i believe it would work out."
"now you've got a boyfriend and i don't like breaking people up so i'd just like to have dinner with you and see how you are." "i'll buy you flowers..."
i was guessing if these were fact or fiction. him buying flowers?! c'mon that's not him.

as usual, it was the few days of late night conversations and all.
but that was it. then he just stops calling and everything's normal again.

a few months down the road and it's the same thing.
the phone calls and late night talks.
we met each other and had fun.
one thing led to another and it eventually brought us together.

it didn't last very long but it meant the whole world to me.
i felt like i was living in a dream.
but i fear everyday that i will wake up from it to realise it's all gone.
i fear and that's why i pulled back a lot.
i was as usual feeling insecure. (insecurity kills i tell ya!)
i said many things in order to get the assurance i wanted but those things hurt him bad.
i was childish. i was unaware.
i didn't give it my all and i thought i never gave my whole heart away.
i thought i was safe... i will never get hurt since i didn't fall hard.
little did i realise he already owns a huge part of it all these while.
only when he left did i realise how much he took along with him.
so much was missing.

i laughed.
i felt it was a joke, a cruel one at that.
i gave it all up about 2-3 years ago.
i was long over him... or so i thought.
i was happy with just having him as a friend i could always call upon.

i was contented.
until i was being given an offer of having more than just that.
greed took me by the neck and my expectations rise.
i wanted more than what was offered in fact.

i guess it all began at the wrong time.
i was at one of the lowest points in my life when he entered.
i didn't see it earlier that i was not ready.
i was not emotionally strong enough because of all the other things that were draining it all away.
i needed a pillar of strength and he was the closest i could find.
pressure was put upon him to make me happy when it wasn't even his fault.
it was tough on him i had to admit.

it was there right in my palms.
but i didn't hold on to it tight enough.
nono... i think i held on tight... a little too tight...
it slipped through my fingers.

it meant so much to me and it still does.

i want to be the one to make him laugh like how i did before.
i want to be the one to care for him, the one he can lean on.
i want to be there to give him a hug when a hug is needed.
i just want to be the one to be there for him.

i don't know what the future holds for us.
i just want him to be happy.

i'll still be at every corner and space for you to meet.